Walking with an unstable gait, tripping, bumping into things, stumbling down the stairs, not being able to see clearly at times, fatigue, not being able to remember a specific word, name or phrase, not remembering what I’m doing, and so on are just some of the daily challenges I try to put in the back of my mind until it takes front and center stage as it did last night. As I was getting ready for bed in our bedroom, my legs decided to “give out” on me, but fortunately, I fell on the bed and not the floor. I decided to go to sleep right then and there. After chatting with a few people online who also have multiple sclerosis from the confinements of my bed via the Blackberry, I learned this is common with some people. This morning my doctor gave me a few suggestions including using a cane (!). I guess I wont be running anytime soon.
As I write this, it actually sounds worse than it really is but restrictions such as not being able to walk straight or worse, having increasingly poor cognitive skills are constant reminders of my limitations. Fear of falling down the stairs or worse are thoughts I try not to dwell on. Putting my pumps away in storage and searching for more ballerina flats online to replace my “cute and sexy” footwear is a minor lifestyle change that I do welcome in a way. Hey, its shopping!
Working at home on my website, blogging, conducting personal relationships, running errands, household chores, etc is difficult at times but manageable. The real challenge and sometimes shame and embarrassment happens at work. Awkward, clumsy, forgetful, distracted are just some of feelings I try to dismiss. The fear of someone noticing some of my challenges sometimes flash across my mind.
I’m sure I’m making too much of what others think but I did feel the need to tell my human resource manager last week about what I’m dealing with. I don’t remember my motive for telling him at the time, (it may have been fear) but I’m glad I did. Time off for doctors appointments and possible rest days were some of the things we discussed. When he gets back from his vacation next week, we will go over ADA policies, and my short and long-term disability benefits – if it comes to that. Hopefully, it wont.
It’s now the end of the work week and I’m glad it went by relatively fast for me. The next two weeks will be pretty busy with a spinal MRI scheduled for Tuesday morning and leaving for Portland Wednesday evening for several days. My mother is having surgery the day I get back so I will need to be there for her. I also need to decide if I should attend an expo for Green and Chic in early March in southern California, though my Neurologist did tell me I should take a few days off from work. I guess a part of me is still in denial of my need to take it easy. This will be something for me to ponder this weekend.