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The Secret of Successful Technology

Walking with an unstable gait, tripping, bumping into things, stumbling down the stairs, not being able to see clearly at times, fatigue, not being able to remember a specific word, name or phrase, not remembering what I’m doing, and so on are just some of the daily challenges I try to put in the back of my mind until it takes front and center stage as it did last night.  As I was getting ready for bed in our bedroom, my legs decided to “give out” on me, but fortunately, I fell on the bed and not the floor. I decided to go to sleep right then and there.  After chatting with a few people online who also have multiple sclerosis from the confinements of my bed via the Blackberry, I learned this is common with some people.   This morning my doctor gave me a few suggestions including using a cane (!).  I guess I wont be running anytime soon.

As I write this, it actually sounds worse than it really is but restrictions such as not being able to walk straight or worse, having increasingly poor cognitive skills are constant reminders of my limitations. Fear of falling down the stairs or worse are thoughts I try not to dwell on. Putting my pumps away in storage and searching for more ballerina flats online to replace my “cute and sexy” footwear is a minor lifestyle change that I do welcome in a way.  Hey, its shopping!

Working at home on my website, blogging, conducting personal relationships, running errands, household chores, etc is difficult at times but manageable. The real challenge and sometimes shame and embarrassment happens at work.  Awkward, clumsy, forgetful, distracted are just some of feelings I try to dismiss. The fear of someone noticing some of my challenges sometimes flash across my mind.

I’m sure I’m making too much of what others think but I did feel the need to tell my human resource manager last week about what I’m dealing with. I don’t remember my motive for telling him at the time, (it may have been fear) but I’m glad I did. Time off for doctors appointments and possible rest days were some of the things we discussed. When he gets back from his vacation next week, we will go over ADA policies, and my short and long-term disability benefits – if it comes to that.  Hopefully, it wont.

It’s now the end of the work week and I’m glad it went by relatively fast for me. The next two weeks will be pretty busy with a spinal MRI scheduled for Tuesday morning and leaving for Portland Wednesday evening for several days. My mother is having surgery the day I get back so I will need to be there for her.  I also need to decide if I should attend an expo for Green and Chic  in early March in southern California, though my Neurologist did tell me I should take a few days off from work. I guess a part of me is still in denial of my need to take it easy.  This will be something for me to ponder this weekend.

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The Ultimate Secret Of Technology

One of my favorite bloggers, Vered with Mom Grind recently published Sleepless.  Upon opening this post, you will see a beautiful photo of her daughter happily doing what kids do best.  Vered then goes into her feelings of uncertainty and anxiety about the future.  The post is real, heartfelt and familar in so many ways.

I had similar feelings about my own future just last night. When I turned 30 on December 1st, I was more hopeful than I ever have been in my life. I have a wonderful fiancé, stable job, growing business, and a lot to look forward to in general. This was after a life threatening marriage, divorce, financial difficulties, health problems, loss of a baby and so on over the past ten years.  Things were now looking up.

My recent diagnosis changed those feelings a bit. Just a bit.

Though my life is not in danger literally and figurtively, I still wonder about the “what ifs” , “whats going to happen when…?” and “what will my life look like in 1…5…10+ years from now?”

Those fears were more alive last night as I was searching the bedroom for a quart size zip lock bag to pack away the sundries I want to carry on the plane with me later today.  While patting my hand on a high shelf in one of my closets feeling  for the plastic bags, I felt my legs “give out” again. (I still haven’t figured out what they call this phonomenom yet).  I had enough time to carefully sit on the floor before my body totally gave out.  This time the feeling extended to my arms.  It only lasts for about ten seconds and I was able to slowly get up (with my new stylish cane) and keep packing.

While sitting on the chaise lounge in the living room later, I thought about if I would be able to have children.  Technically, Multiple Sclerosis does not affect fertility or the ability to carry a healthy baby to term, but my concerns are more for the caring and raising of a child.  Would I be able to come to the aid of a crying baby?  Would I be able to run after a toddler?  Play in the park? Would I have the energy to do any of these things let alone go through pregnancy in one piece?  I thought about the later years in childhood: parent/teacher conferences, family vacations, birthday parties, first dates, any illness, crises, and major events that happens in the coure of a life.   Would I still be walking? Will my kids have to care for me while they are still young?  Steve is healthy and vibrant but still 21 years older.  Will he have the energy later?

I stapped back into where I was right now: Tuesday night gazing out the window watching the half moon in the sky.  I wondered how healthy is it to think about these things. Where should I draw the line? I know we have to plan for our future and give careful consideration to major decisions like having a child, but maybe its better for me to live right now.  Silly as it may sound, I thought about the moon and how it doesnt have to worry about survival, it just does. I then got up and finished packing for the trip.

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